These mutations are monsters. They’re the kind that you were terrified of as a child because the reality of it was always something that was a little intangible but it was always there in the back of your mind, waiting to strike. In that sense, they are also selfish, egocentric, self-absorbed. They take the time that you could be spending thinking about other things: family, work, hobbies. Instead of focusing on the now, you focus on what’s next: the next mammogram or CA-125, the next surgery, the next trip to the doctor, the next piece of news (good, bad or indifferent).
They strip you of your ability to blindly go about your life with the carefree attitude that you had before you found out that you had this thing lurking just behind the scenes, maybe around the next corner.
They knock your confidence for a loop because you are stripped of control of your own body. You face these choices and sometimes the ones you make will alter the way you look and the way you feel about yourself forever. You can reconstruct or not, you can remove everything that theoretically makes you a woman, force yourself into surgical menopause, and then you figure out how to carry on with these monumental changes.
They are time sucks, they are thieves.
Since September of last year I feel like I’ve lived my life in intervals, squeezing in the things I want to do between surgeries and infections, all the things that kind of put your life on hold. I hate doing that, I hate feeling like I have to fit my life into these pockets of time that belong to me and aren’t dictated by trips back and forth to the hospital. So I’m not going to do that anymore.
I scheduled surgery in between a busy time at work and an out-of-town concert that I’m really excited for. I scheduled it before the Corporate Challenge so that I have time to bounce back. I booked my flight to San Diego without concern about what might be happening in the middle of July. I’m not sure what will be happening in August, September or October, but I’m not worried about it. I’ll find things that I want to do, I’ll do them and I’m determined to not worry or stress about the timing.
I’m going to be selfish for now. BRCA can wait.